How to give advice (Saturated Market)

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How to give advice

Strategy You've just approached a colleague who you know is having difficulty with something, or you don't feel they quite understand what they're trying to do. So in the spirit of generosity, you've imparted some of your wisdom to help them along. But in return you've received a shrug-off or outright hostility.

Does this sound familiar? It should; this scenario is playing itself out all over the world every day. It seems like people don't know how to take advice anymore. But this is exactly the wrong viewpoint. It's time to face the possibility that people don't know how to give it. And that's especially bad because advice is up against some stiff resistance to begin with.

Let's face it: nobody likes to admit they're wrong, or don't understand, or made a mistake. So they feel even less happy about being told as much. Many people are so stubborn or proud that they will continue to do something their way, even if it's inefficient or less effective. So it's absolutely necessary to be gentle about your approach. Let's take a look at a couple ways to take the confrontation out of giving advice.

The Approach
In a perfect world, people would come to you for advice. And if they seek you out willingly, you can skip on to the next section. But if someone doesn't come to you and ask, they either don't know there's a problem to be solved, or they want to solve it themselves. So to saunter over and start telling them how to do it and that your way is better is not going to get the job done. It's akin to the impatient parent who takes a child's toy away because they're "not doing it right", despite the child's screams that they want to do it themselves. Instead, be more subtle in your approach. Ask them how their project is going. If they say it's not going well, you can start asking questions about why, and start to feed in your own stories. Try saying things like, "you know, I ran into a similar problem back with project X, but I tried doing this and it seemed to work." This makes the process more democratic; if the person wants to know more, they will ask you.

If they seem content with the way they are doing things, instead try asking about their method. Show interest in the way they are doing it, as though you are the one who wants to learn. Try to understand why they are doing things the way they are. There might be a reason. And if you still can't resist, present your own method, but as an equally good yet alternative way of doing it. Something like, "Oh, that's interesting. I came up against this issue once, but I tried doing X instead of Y. I didn't know you could approach the problem that way." I know many of you prefer the direct approach, just be prepared for a direct answer.

Delivery
Once you have begun a dialogue on the issue (note that key word "dialogue"), it is important to keep it positive and constructive. That means you need to treat their way of doing things as viable, and show them respect. As mentioned above, they may have a very good reason for doing things the way they are. They might be far more comfortable with their method, or perhaps even though their way of doing things doesn't work for you, it might work better for them than your method. Every situation is different.

Whatever you do, don't try to champion yourself in order to sell your idea. If you say that you never had a particular issue be a problem, you're just going to make the other person resentful because you've just made it personal. And it smacks of bragging rather than teaching. Don't start saying "when I did this my way, X and Y never happened to me." That's not going to help, because now you're attacking the other person. Keep it focused on the solution you're presenting, and stick to the benefits.

There is one more component of delivery which is of VITAL importance: don't be aggressive. And that includes passive aggressiveness. Don't turn it into an argument, and certainly don't start shifting blame onto the other party. If someone doesn't take your advice, shooting back accusations that they don't respect you or that you're feeling ignored isn't going to inspire them to follow it or any other information you pass on. This fosters resentment and can even lead to people deliberately disregarding things you say. This seems to be where it falls apart the most for people.

Pick Your Battles
Finally, you need to know when not to give advice. The major rule is that if it doesn't matter, let it go. If it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, let them do it their way. And even though you will be itching to tell someone they're making mistakes, zip it. Let them make their own mistakes, because it's far easier to learn if you experience the consequences yourself rather than having somebody tell you what could happen. People (for the most part) like to figure things out for themselves, it keeps life fun and interesting. Telling someone the correct way to do something is like spoiling the end of a murder mystery or a movie.

It's absolutely vital to understand the other side before you criticize, and to know when to take a step back. And if I've got this article all wrong, it will be the height of irony.

Until next time,